My wife is seeing another man; I'm almost always sad & anxious

By artmanny Latest Activity November 11, 2012 at 6:36 pm Views 1,078 Replies 77

artmanny

For months my wife has been seeing another man, a FORMER friend of mine. It was partially my fault; I wasn't a good enough husband as far as attentiveness and being loving so she thought I didn't love her anymore so she told me one day she let herself become attracted to this guy and that she was going to date him on the side. But I do love her, so very much! I am almost constantly sad, hurt, anxious (anxious because I never know when next he'll interfere with my family, my family's plans, etc)… I watch my four little boys while she goes out with him, like tonight. And I have to put up with it. She knows I love her now, I've shown it; I'm much more emotional now, almost like a different person, now she complains I give her TOO much attention. But she won't give him up. She says we just have to have an open marriage like this. She says he makes her happy. Every time I make a mistake she points out that HE wouldn't have done that. I just need help. Help me, somebody, I don't know how much longer I can endure this without support, I don't know how much longer I can do this before I crack up. :(

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  • RAYT721
    RAYT721 November 25, 2012 at 10:28 am   

    Since your wife has options you should have the same. It should not be her decision to control your relationship on a "take it or leave it" basis. I don't give a damn how easy or uneasy you are to live with. You may be getting advice here to go to counseling, to toss her out, to leave, or a host of suggestions which you may or may not consider but these are OUR suggestions and advice. The ultimate decision is going to be up to you.

    So many times men are blamed and stereotyped for a bunch of things, some they are guilty of and some they are not. When I hear of abused women who stick around in the relationships because of promises, threats or the combination of the two my heart just goes out to them. And then they are killed or missing and the spouses are blamed, whether guilty of not. Men can be in the same situation. Abuse is not always physical. There is verbal and emotional abuse as well and none of them hurt more than the others.

    I read a post below in which you are justifying your wife's actions and taking her side, and blaming yourself. I am confused by the comment that there is no sex in the affair that you posted below. Well, I haven't been to dictionary.com just yet but usually an "affair" is a sexual relationship. Is this a friendship that your wife is having? Then the "open marriage" request that I thought I read (but cant find right now) doesn't even make sense. If "open marriage" means the openness to be honest, cool, I'm down with that but usually "open marriage" is the ability to see (usually sexually) other people.

    You can defend your wife if you'd like. That's what many abused spouses do. They forgive. They defend. They go into denial. They make excuses. They make promises for change. They compromise. I'm not saying you or your wife is doing any of this but I do feel that you are abused because the whole situation is real and causing you problems. That's abuse!

    I can't tell you not to love her. I can't tell you to kick her out. I can't tell you to stay or leave. I can't tell you to go to counseling. Only YOU know what's right or wrong. But I want you to acknowledge that you are being abused and controlled. There is something that is dysfunctional about your relationship … accept it or change it.

    Being and staying in denial can only last so long. Don't make it too long that you give up a great tomorrow for yourself by focusing by the past.

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 25, 2012 at 9:06 pm   

    Thanks for the advice, Ray. Yes the decision is up to me. Decision to do what, though? That's the question. Again emotional abuse is mentioned. Is it really? I'm not sure. This is complicated. She's a good person.

  • RAYT721
    RAYT721 November 25, 2012 at 10:21 pm   

    There are a lot of good people in the world. They don't always do good things to themselves or others. In the case you are speaking of above, either she is messing with you or you are messing with yourself. I won't nag or preach or tell you what to do after I make ONE comment:

    What would you tell your best friend if he/she told you the story you told us above? Well, dear friend, maybe it's time to think about that answer … and time to be your OWN best friend!!!

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 28, 2012 at 10:29 pm   

    What advice would I give a friend? I see your point but honestly I'm not sure what I'd say. I mean sure if their spouse was totally sleeping around on em I'd tell em to leave, kick the dude out if my friend was a woman. But if it was my particular situation, it's much more complex than that. Another problem is: I'm the guy. There's like a double standard unfortunately. How often, especially if there's kids, is the wife kicked out? Besides I don't want to do something like that anyway. If my friend told me that then… I'm not sure what I'd say.

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 25, 2012 at 10:29 pm   

    Well said Ray!!

  • tpus
    tpus November 16, 2012 at 6:16 am   

    I understand your wife's feelings however I am a wife myself and every married woman goes thru similar phases with her husband. It doesn't mean that every woman fucks around on her husband ( with his former friend who she has a nerve to bring home). What she does to you is beyond unfair. It is emotional manipulation! If I would be pushed to the point where Would have an affair on the side with out my husband's consent I would leave him! You said that breaking up with her is like cutting your own arm, then imagine that your arm has cancer in it and its amputation would save your life! Think about it like that and kick her to the curb. She will come running to you

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 18, 2012 at 9:56 pm   

    Well, first of all, there is no sex in this affair. She says there isn't and I believe her. She's been honest about everything else. She would tell you that she hasn't left me because I didn't want her to. And that is true. Whenever I press the issue she says that she can leave if I want her to. Or, er, I can. Yeah. But I do not want that. I don't know if she would come running to me if I kicked he to the curb. Not that I could anyway and anyway I don't want to. I do wonder, though, if she's bluffing.

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 14, 2012 at 9:58 am   

    I have to say a few more things to be fair to my wife. Some of you after what I've said might think I shouldn't have to be fair to her. But like I've said repeatedly I love her and as weird as it may sound even with everything that's going on, I should and I want to show you her side of it, defend her some.

    The first thing you guys must understand, and I've indicated before, I'm not by far an easy person to live with. I cause unnecessary stress by being scatter-brained. I'm not very organized. And with four kids, all boys!, my house has gotten kinda crazy. She has to take charge of a lot, including the finances, paying the bills, etc, and she's better than me about making sure my oldest son, who also has ADHD, is doing his homework and doing it correctly and she does an awesome job of all that. I am trying to do better in that department, with my son and his schoolwork but sometimes it's like the blind leading the blind! One of the reasons I love my wife and need her so much is that she does do so much for all of us. And like I've said I've done some crappy things to hurt her. One of them was I took a work trip for a conference that ended on her birthday one year recently and I didn't get back before her birthday was over (I tried to get back to the house before midnight but I missed it by like a half hour). And even though we celebrated before I left it hurt her because I didn't absolutely have to go on that trip; I could've picked another, later time and another city but I picked the Boston one because I had never been to Boston and that one had the best speakers and it was sooner than the others.

    Another thing I did was one time my wife was sick and the hospital prescribed her - without telling her what it was!! - a damn TRANQULIZER. And I got upset at her for not wanting to get out of bed for two days. I thought she was milking her sickness and taking the doctor's advice way too seriously about getting some rest, I was such a dumbass. So those two big things and a few other things had her really upset and ready to give up. Which lead to this crisis.

  • Waffleandcats
    Waffleandcats November 16, 2012 at 6:42 pm   

    your wife still does not have the right to treat u that way. as long as u let her get by with this, the longer it will go on.

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 14, 2012 at 8:43 pm   

    Hello Artmanny, I don't see anything that you did that would justify your wife stepping out on you! And it does not justify her not wanting to work with you on fixing things in your relationship! Either she is with you, or she is not! There should be no middle ground here! Think of yourself and the kids, you all are important too! Hugs

  • Nyrie
    Nyrie November 12, 2012 at 5:42 pm   

    Hey Artman - I'm not sure that I'm not repeating a lot of what has already been said as I haven't gone through all the replies. But I don't think you are being fair to yourself by helping make excuses for her behavior - which is unacceptable and sounds like she's using this guy to control you. No one deserves to be treated that way. In the same situation I'd have a hard time not pissing in her boots on my way out the door - difficult with kids for sure but it will all get sorted out, and she's in the wrong. At some point you have to draw the line.

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 12, 2012 at 10:00 pm   

    I don't think she's using this guy to control me. It's an interesting idea, though. But, no, she's not doing that. I can't draw any line. I almost have no control. That's one major reason why I'm feeling almost constant anxiety. If I put my foot down she'll just leave. When I talk to her at all about stopping this thing she is doing she says that maybe we should just divorce, then. See?! I don't want that! I want to keep my family together. I love her. :(

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 12, 2012 at 11:17 am   

    I think to be fair to her I should point out that my wife has had a difficult time with me, being that I have ADD (but for years I've been taking meds for it) and she is a perfectionist (just imagine those two together) and I'm not the easiest person to live with and I've done some crappy things to her to hurt her (not to purposely hurt her; it's usually screwing up something well-intentioned or being oblivious to things that'd be obvious to most people).

  • nightwolf1
    nightwolf1 November 12, 2012 at 2:58 am   

    You really do love her! regardless of her being a selfish person and not caring about anyone other then her self, you still want to work it out. That's what love suppose to do right? You stay with that person and work things out for the sake of the marriage, when she thought you didn't love her, she should of work it out and stay, the same way you are doing. Honestly and I'm really sorry, " the ship has sailed " your focus should be on your kids they are the one who will remember all of this. Love your self a little more you will find someone who will love you and ( respect ) you this lady has no respect, for her self,you, and the other people involve. she is manipulating you by making you believe she will change when in reality she is enjoying her self with another guy who also have no respect for no one. Having a life with anxiety isn't easy, but you are trying to save this marriage for what? She either do it again with someone else or the same guy, or lets say she stops. You will leave a life full of resentment you will never forget about this and the topic will always come out and then arguments, it will be a vicious cycle. Does it make sense? This always happens no one ever forget when they get hurt specially cheated on. Please love and respect your self, accept the fact that she is done, she is comparing you with a cheater as if the guy was all that. Love your kids please, they should be a priority. I'm sorry if I insulted you. I hope God guides you to the right direction. I hope you feel better

  • flydragonfly
    flydragonfly November 12, 2012 at 1:24 am   

    Trust me I never wanted to be divorced once in my life little own twice. I feel ashamed terrible that I could twice as I'm a huge family girl. But life is life. You can always control it. Id rather deal with being happy and loving life than than not allowing myself to be the fullest I can be. I have three kids and I sat them down and told them what was going to happen. Guess asking there permission at the time but they told me they wanted me to be happy and it wouldn't be ever here if I stayed. The kids had to give up so much atvs unground pool, there friends, money, toys etc. but in the end they wanted me to be happy and truly said even if we had to live with nothing. As long as we're together it's ok. They were right. Life seems so dark to restart and go on your own. Even letting the kids leave for every other weekend. It hurts but it's ok. It gets easier in time funny as my ex was never home didn't know his kids but now this made him smarten up and be a dad. For that I'm greatful as kids need there father you have many rights remember that. Talk with a lawyer. Not sure where your from but in ontario lawyers give you the first hrs free for advise. Hope that's and option. Just some answers could help. The hardest thing I did in my life was walking out the door. But I had to do It so i Can be me. Kids even knew and there kids. Even knowing I had no support no one knew the real life I was living I had to do it. No it's taken me and I meet the man of my dreams. Never knew I could be treated or deserve to be treated. Don't sell yourself short. Call divorce freedom new life. YOU deserve to be happy. Not sure why she could do so much to hurt you. It's truly isn't right. That guy should never be allowed in your home. Even if he was your best friend. He's not its hard were all here for you remember your not alone. Hugs

  • nanne137
    nanne137 November 11, 2012 at 11:27 pm   

    What a tough situation, especially because of the kids. You are sad and anxious and obviously not wanting to lose your kids - or your wife. There is so much unknown if you divorce your wife—I'm sure you're thinking that you would just as sad and anxious then. Nevertheless, no one should have to suffer like you are. I think you have to try marriage counseling or really talking to your wife to let her see that this isn't OK. I know—you say she craved attention for years, but did you go out with other women openly? It's such a hurtful thing to do. I guess I'm thinking that it isn't right for you to be put in this position and I think that when you feel strong enough, you should stand up for yourself and figure out where you really, really stand with her. You know—push for answers. Maybe then things will play out one way or the other and you'll get to a happy place. So hard to do with kids involved!!! I'm thinking of you! If you're going to stay in this situation, then please try to find a way for you to find happiness—hang out with friends more, do something. You deserve happiness!

  • Kails
    Kails November 11, 2012 at 11:12 pm   

    Praying for you! <3

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 12, 2012 at 12:06 am   

    Thanks. I appreciate it.

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 11:02 pm   

    She has herself suggested letting her go. But I can't. It'd be like cutting off an arm. :(

  • Waffleandcats
    Waffleandcats November 11, 2012 at 10:57 pm   

    sometimes it is better to let go when they don't want to give up the other man. i just recently went through the same thing with my girlfriend. u deserve better. stay strong.

  • jogo59
    jogo59 November 11, 2012 at 10:44 pm   

    You are always welcome my dear friend.

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 11, 2012 at 11:04 pm   

    You too my dear friend Jogo!! Hugs xxx

  • doowan
    doowan November 11, 2012 at 10:27 pm   

    If she cant understand that you do love her and that your anxiety gets in the way of you doing what any other normal person does than shes not right for you. you have to find a loving caring wife that accepts you for you.. Otherwise it may always end up in the situation your in now. I know it will be hard but you gotta be strong and let her go

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 10:13 pm   

    She doesn't do ultimatums very well. Like I said in another reply I can't do that because it would lead to something WORSE. :( :( :( And we did do marriage counseling recently. It helped a little. But it had to stop because we hit an impasse with her. She told my wife that if she was truly into fixing our marriage to stop having the affair. She didn't want to. :(

  • krose86
    krose86 November 11, 2012 at 11:48 pm   

    N

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 12, 2012 at 12:08 am   

    ?

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 11, 2012 at 10:33 pm   

    If she really loved you and wanted to work it out, she would break it off with the other man! If she does not want to do this, don't you think that you deserve someone who is going to give your relationship 100%??? You deserve nothing less then a 100% commitment from your wife. Do you want a part time wife? Or a full time wife? You need to ask yourself these questions.

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 10:03 pm   

    This all started with making new friends. We entered this whole circle of friends (and man you could seriously make a movie or tv show from all the history and drama with these people and you could actually make a good movie with the story of this situation I've only given you guys the tip of the effed-up iceberg). She's not using the kids as a reason to talk to him, not really, but it is an added bonus I'm sure. I have to put up with being around him - sometimes at my place! - which is in and of itself a nightmare as you can imagine. Can I live this way? It's a really good question. I can't for a long time. I don't know how much longer I can last without cracking up, again that's why I'm here. :( This is kind of helping me feel better. Thanks, peoples.

  • the4thmusketeer
    the4thmusketeer November 11, 2012 at 9:22 pm   

    look brotha that is pretty messed up. I personally would face some kind of charge for punching him in the face. so this is where you get to man up and say im not gonna take this shit anymore and do something about it be it that you tell her that this needs to end or you and your kids leave. but this weight on your shoulders is only gonna last if you let it. so stand yourself up and tell yourself im not gonna take this anymore and take action and do what you think is right

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 10:08 pm   

    On trust me I've thought about doing violence to him. But I won't. I can't "man up." I can't really take any action that I do not want to take. This is why I feel like I've got no control. Any action I can take I do not want to take. :( None of my options are good! They're all bad! Because I don't want to split up! :( :(
    I have stood up for myself a tiny bit here and there, in careful, subtle ways.

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 8:44 pm   

    Here are a few BTWs: this other guy is also married with kids (unlike with me and my wife he cannot stand his wife). And his kids like my kids and love to play together. Which adds another horrible dimension to this.

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 11, 2012 at 9:15 pm   

    You don't deserve to live that way, nor do your children! You deserve so much more! When someone treats you like you're just one of many options, Remember Don't ever give part-time people a full-time position in your life! Everybody deserves somebody who helps them look forward to tomorrow. If someone … If someone truly loves you, they will never give you a reason to doubt it.

  • jogo59
    jogo59 November 11, 2012 at 10:16 pm   

    Nice advice dear friend mighty. How you doing? I never go online for 3 days, lil bit busy.

  • jogo59
    jogo59 November 11, 2012 at 10:31 pm   

    Thanks mighty for being understanding. Well, i feel fine for almost a week now. Thanks God for having wonderful weekdays

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 11, 2012 at 10:36 pm   

    That is such wonderful news Jogo!! I am so happy to hear that you have been feeling fine for a week now! That is great to hear! I hope you continue to feel good! Hugs xxxx

  • jogo59
    jogo59 November 11, 2012 at 10:38 pm   

    Thank you dear friend, hope you feel the same way too.

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 11, 2012 at 10:39 pm   

    Yes, I sure do Jogo, and thank you for asking!! Hugs xxxx

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 11, 2012 at 10:28 pm   

    Thank you Jogo! I was wondering what happened to you! I missed seeing your comments. But I can understand being busy! I have been doing fine! How have you been my dear friend? Hugs xx

  • flydragonfly
    flydragonfly November 11, 2012 at 8:17 pm   

    Hello oh dear love is blind for sure also so is neglect emotional abuse. I've been married twice. Wasn't my choice for the first one as my hubby was sleeping with my sister in law. So I divorced him. My kids were 9 months and 2 yrs. it was hard took three months but helped me get me to where I am today. Then I have ex two of 7 yrs married. He was emotionally abusive and I was very neglected. I never wanted to be single divorced twice in my life. But really I'm almost 40 and I've learned so much I'm greatful. I have no regrets but it's gotten me to where I am today. Truly speak to a councler. I'm not saying end your marriage. I'm saying you really should speak to counseler. Trust me maybe be helpful I much say no one is perfect but truly you both being happy and living life is what matters. I don't believe in sharing someone but everyone has there own life choices. Kids are reliant and they bounce to where and what they need to do. I believe loving and living life is far more healthy and beneficial to kids than living a lie or being sad hurt etc. I'm here if you like to chat. Truly big hugs. Life throws us wild curve balls believe life has a way of turning around

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 10:16 pm   

    I'm sorry about your marriages ending. That sucks. So many marriages end in divorce. I don't want mine to! :( I want to keep it together. :(

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 10:15 pm   

    I am going to see my own therapist. But I can't afford to keep going back and back. The copays will add up to too much $$$. That's another reason I'm here.

  • elizabethk1012
    elizabethk1012 November 11, 2012 at 8:24 pm   

    Very good advice :)

  • elizabethk1012
    elizabethk1012 November 11, 2012 at 8:10 pm   

    Oh my god u poor thing :( I can not imagine the hurt and pain ur going threw, I know u love this lady and I don't want to disrespect ur wife in any way with my comment but I think u are too kind on her to let her away with doing this, I can't imagine how u or ur kids are feeling :( I think u need to try be strong for a start this is not ur fault every retaliation ship at one time or another fails a little either emotionally or physically but that does not give any one the right to go with some one else, ur wife should have a little more respect for u if she wants to be with him she should be using u as a door mat or baby sitter whilst she has her affair u deserve a lady that will love and respect the way u deserve please go get help and find the courage one day to walk away xxxxx

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 10:21 pm   

    Thank you for your reply and honest opinion. Yes the hurt and pain is horrible. I don't know how I've endured it this long. But.. it's like I have to let her do this. :( Because what can I do? All of my options are bad. :( :( I can't walk away. The thought of not having my kids full-time (and yes not having her, too) is unbearable!! :( Especially the thought of some other guy raising them! :(

  • elizabethk1012
    elizabethk1012 November 12, 2012 at 7:47 pm   

    Is their any way you could talk to your wife tell her you want to be able to forgive her and try make your marriage work may be suggest her leaving this man and u and her go for marriage counsling, it's the only way this other man me end up out the picture for u to have what u want xx

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 12, 2012 at 9:55 pm   

    We have talked, we have talked so much about this! We are almost having the same conversation over and over. And we have had marriage counseling but after three or four sessions we had to quit seeing her because my wife won't take her suggestion of leaving the other man. But I cannot suggest she do it, either. My wife said she will not be pressured into making the decision and if I pressure her it will only make her want to do it more. :( She says maybe we should just separate for real if I can't handle this. And she says she's pretty sure she loves him. But she loves me, too. She says I shouldn't ask her to give up on somebody she cares about. If he pressured her into leaving me she'd get mad at him and tell him the same thing.

  • elizabethk1012
    elizabethk1012 November 13, 2012 at 2:22 am   

    Omg that's heart breaking, why don't u try counsling ur self and I hope that gives u the courage and strength to make her choose as its not fair for her to keep both u and this man :( I can't believe this guy was a friend to u ( friends shouldn't do this sort of thing ), I really can't imagine the position ur in, I really hope one day u decide to do what's best for u everyone deserves love and happyness, you are a truly loyal husband and father one day the sun will shine for I again soon, I really reccomend counciling tho, I think u should also keep ur eyes opened as their may be another love for you close by, I know that is prob the last thing ur thinking of ATM but life is too short to waste time it may also give u courage to leave ur wife

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 13, 2012 at 11:36 am   

    …decided to endure pain and misery, as much as it takes, to keep my family together. I must do this. Unlike with her where's she's confused and torn I have perfect clarity in what I want.

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 13, 2012 at 11:35 am   

    I'm going to try my own private counseling soon. Yes what he's done is something I'd NEVER do to a friend. It's not like he was a longtime best friend or something, though, but still..
    Like I've said before I cannot make her choose. I wish I could. :( It's one of the horrible things about this. I'm stuck, unless I do something I REALLY don't want to do. :(
    I do not want to leave her. I'd be leaving more than just her. :( :( I think perhaps it is taking quite a bit of courage to do what I'm doing now. I've decid

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 7:58 pm   

    Thank you mighty. I hope this can help me. :( :( I have had only a few good days in three months. I laughed last night at something, joking around with a friend, and it was the first time I really, really laughed in all that time. This may sound weird, effed up, but in a twisted way, at least at first, it was good for our marriage. I'm experiencing emotions I never had before. It's transformed me; I'm not quite the same person, I used to be so much like a Vulcan, not much emotion. But now this new vision has enabled me to understand what she was going through for many years; she used to beg and ask for so much attention and it'd annoy me. NOW I GET IT. Now *I* am the emotionally needy one. It's backwards now. It's weird. But anyway now that I see and understand so many things and I get it now, what she has been trying to make me understand for so long, our communication (when we do spend time together) has improved so much! We are, ironically, so much closer now. I know that must seem bizarre, given the circumstances. So I have some really, really good moments, here and there, in this horrible living nightmare that I can't wake up from. And about my kids, well again I don't want divorce, but I would not try to take the kids, I don't want to do the whole destructive custody battle that'll hurt my boys who I love so much!. I'm the man; it's not like I could anyway. Even if she's having an affair.

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 11, 2012 at 9:22 pm   

    You are welcome my friend! Would you wife be willing to go to some kind of marriage counseling? Because you can't continue the way you are going, it is not good for any of you. You need some kind of resolution. I hope that you can find the help you need. We are all here for you! We have you back! Hugs xx

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 11:00 pm   

    We tried marriage counseling. But we hit an impasse with her when my wife didn't take her advice on ending the affair. So I had to cancel the last scheduled appointment and I did not reschedule it. :(

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 11, 2012 at 11:14 pm   

    If she is not willing to try to make the marriage work and she won't give up the other man, what is really left of your marriage anyway? I know right now you feel you can't live without her, I have been there before, but believe me, once you move on and find someone who really cares, you will be so happy that you did move on! Like I said, I know, I have been there! You are certainly not going to be happy continuing living this way! Take care of yourself!

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 12, 2012 at 12:19 am   

    I thank you a lot for the help you're trying to give me, mightymouse. You are all great. What's left of our marriage? I might be a fool, but I think there's quite a bit left. I can feel it when my wife and I are together. I know it must seem weird that I still love her - and she loves me - even though the situation is what it is. I know I am not going to be happy, I'm certainly not now. But if I can just wait it out… I still have hope that this affair will die a natural death.

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 12, 2012 at 12:37 am   

    No matter what you decide to do, we are all here for you! Just remember that you are not alone! Hugs xx :-)

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 13, 2012 at 9:48 am   

    Thank you. That's one way this place is really helping. I don't feel so alone now. I had run out of people to confide in. My wife had become increasingly paranoid about what I was saying and who I was saying it to, going through my phone, getting mad at what I was saying to a couple of friends, a few she didn't even know. All I had was her to comfort me, and she has many times, as weird as that sounds. And most people I don't want to know about this, like my mom and my coworkers, for if I get the outcome I want, I will have regretted ever saying anything to them, yknow?

  • mightymouse1135
    mightymouse1135 November 11, 2012 at 7:32 pm   

    Hello Artman, I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with, no one should have to go though this, it is very hurtful and painful! I would get a good lawyer and a good counselor. You will find a lot of support here! We are all here for you if you need to talk, you are not alone! Please keep us posted, we do care! Hugs

  • John N
    John N November 11, 2012 at 7:42 pm   

    Yes, that's it! We are with you!!

  • sarah85
    sarah85 November 11, 2012 at 7:31 pm   

    This is emotional abuse, she is doing it because she wants it both ways. Excitement of a fresh romance with him and her home safety comforts with u, and that's NOT right, she is either with all or nothing, and I would say to her if she continues to see him then she moves out and YOU keep ur lil boys,
    I'm so sorry this is happening it must be heart breaking :-( x

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 12, 2012 at 1:30 am   

    I've heard a few others I know say the same thing, wanting it both ways. Yes my heart is breaking a lot. Then it heals but then it breaks again, it's like that every other day or so. :(

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 7:26 pm   

    I really appreciate your responses John and Gabbysmomma. Thank you for that, it's what I came here for. It is a really long story how all this came about. The summary I posted is inadequate. Naturally anybody who hears a summary will think she's some horrible person; she's not. I don't love horrible people, especially not this much. This may be a mid-life crisis or something for her. This is totally out-of-character, what she's doing. I'm not looking for a lawyer, I'm looking for some way to cope. She talks often that she will probably quit this at some indeterminate future point and that she feels bad about it; yet she will not stop. She has never done anything like this before and she is not sleeping with him. Our marriage counselor, who we've given up on now, calls it an "emotional affair." I am totally devoted to her and this family. I will NOT divorce like my parents did. I am fighting so hard to keep my family together; I've made it my top priority. I need to do this. I LOVE her. I love my family. Staying together is best for them: she agrees. I've got to try to endure this!! But I need help! ;_;

  • John N
    John N November 11, 2012 at 7:47 pm   

    Anyway be a steep ahead! The lawyer is just to advice you for precautions! I know it's hard, but it's just to keep your legal rights preserved!
    Try another psychologist just for you!

  • John N
    John N November 11, 2012 at 7:08 pm   

    It's not your fault!
    It seems that she's abusing you emotionally!
    Look for a psychologist to help you! It's very a hard situation!!
    Preserve yourself and respect yourself!
    You will find a way out!

  • John N
    John N November 11, 2012 at 7:12 pm   

    Look for a lawyer too! Even it's just to instruct you about legal questions!
    You don'd deserve it! Be kind with yourself!

  • artmanny
    artmanny November 11, 2012 at 11:08 pm   

    But no. I'm still not willing to go that step. Not even as a back up. I may be a fool but I have that much faith in my marriage still.

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